Property of the Magic Bunnies
by arapto
Summary: Ideas and plot bunnies for the Harry Potter verse. Contains original ideas in snippet form, mostly power-ups and new ways to use old ideas.
1. You Call That Security?

You Call That Security?

"To ensure that no underage student yields to temptation," said Dumbledore, "I will be drawing an Age Line around the Goblet of Fire once it has been placed in the entrance hall. Nobody under the age of seventeen will be able to cross this line. Finally, I..."

"What, that's it?"

As everyone turned to look who interrupted the Headmaster they saw Harry Potter standing up indignantly. The young boy was looking straight at Dumbledore and his eyes demanded an explanation.

"I assure you Harry that the measures taken will prevent underage students from entering the contest." the Headmaster said with an indulgent, grandfatherly smile.

"Really? So what, exactly, is stopping me from paying a seventh year to put my name in the Goblet?" Harry demanded.

Every student in the Great Hall suddenly had calculating looks. Dumbledore saw the atmosphere changing but before he could formulate a reply Harry continued.

"For that matter why can't I ask a House Elf to drop it in? Or an owl?"

Murmurs of excitement spread through the Hall as the students of Hogwarts altered plans and discarded possibilities. Meanwhile, the students of Beauxbatons and Durmstrang were getting rebellious. After all, all THEIR non-adult students were across the Channel.

"And really, I don't even have to go that far. Simply walk up to the edge of the Age Line, crumble my piece of parchment and throw it in!" Harry continued his tirade.

"Or levitate it." Hermione's voice was heard.

"Or levitate it." Harry agreed. "For that matter, I sincerely hope your Age Line is more of a dome or I could simply grab a broom and be done with it."

By this time the two foreign Headmasters were glaring at Dumbledore who was desperately trying to come up with a way to defend his original plan.

"In fact, why do you even need to give the students a full day to drop one piece of parchment in a flaming piece of kitchenware?" Harry concluded. "Have the seventh years form a line, write their name in front of the three Headmasters and drop it in right then and there. Do this now and we can get the Champions' names before this Feast is over."

Dumbledore looked at the gleaming eyes of his two counterparts and admitted to himself that this was not going as planned.

A/N: The first paragraph of text is a direct quote from my copy of Harry Potter and the Flaming Kitchenware. I mean, Goblet of Fire.


	2. Kai

Kai

Death Eaters used the Unforgivables almost exclusively. The almost was because of the occasional case where they had to take captives. Like now.

Harry Potter was trapped inside his own skin. The Petrificus Totalus curse prevented him from moving anything except his eyes. Nearby, his friend Ron Weasly was trying to free himself from conjured ropes that bound him. Hermione was probably somewhere behind him and Harry could not hear her which only made the whole situation worse.

As he tried again to move, Harry wished he could dispel the damn curse through sheer force of will. His mind wandered for a moment to a Sunday morning cartoon he had glimpsed in the Dursleys, where an older ninja was explaining to the younger ones how to "disrupt" their "chakra" to dispel some techniques.

And he froze. Well, more than was expected of him anyway. Harry decided that he really had nothing better to do. So he flared his magic. He tried to make "waves", deliberately miscontrolling it. He tried to push it out of his core and right back in as fast as he could. And something finally worked. Magic concentrated on his skin and "pulsed" away broke the spell and Harry was free. Now to defeat the Death Wankers...

A/N: I've seen a few "Harry learns magic by copying Naruto" but I've never liked them. The two worlds have too different ideas, themes and system rules for that to be really feasible. On the other hand, nothing is stopping Harry from copying a few good ideas.


	3. HunterKiller Swarms

Killer Swarms

When Harry walked into her field of vision, Hermione immediately noticed. A part of her awareness was diverted from studying to analyzing her best friend and the probable encounter they would soon have. Focused walk though not angry, she noted. Intent and puzzlement on his face indicated an abstract concern as opposed to the immediate problem solving at which he excelled. 'He wants me to research something' she decided. 'Definitely not school related, almost certainly connected to his latest obsession with Malfoy and his supposed...'

"Bludgers."

'Or Not' Hermione thought as Harry came to sit next to her.

"I beg your pardon?" she asked while her brain rebooted.

"I've been reading about Bludgers. And I had some questions so I came to grab a few books. Not all your lessons on research were wasted, see." he replied cheekily.

"I'd rather you used them on schoolwork." she huffed. "Besides, what is there to know about Bludgers?"

"Quite a lot actually. Did you know they use the same spells and enchantments used on brooms? Even a weak Cushioning Charm to somewhat protect people and reduce broken bones."

"No, I did not know that. But I know that gleam in your eye. It's positively suspicious." Hermione glared... well, suspiciously.

"Well, Hermione, I thought of what one Bludger with the safety off almost did to me during first year and that was with me dodging in a top of the line broom. Imagine what a Bludger would do to a Death Eater standing on the ground. Imagine what ten or even fifty would do!"

"It would be a massacre." Hermione breathed. She did not seem too disapproving.

"And did you know that most of the charm-work on Bludgers is on their targeting? If only there were a simple way to tell who to attack, perhaps some sort of... Mark." Harry spoke in a low voice, grinning like a madman.

"You know Harry, I do have some notes on the Runes used on flying. Maybe we should make a school project out of it?"

"Funny you should ask, I was thinking of asking Professor Flitwick for an extra credit project on Snitches."

"Why Snitches?" Hermione asked as she gathered her things.

"I figure a ball enchanted to fly away from hands could instead be enchanted to fly towards things. Like spells for example. I could grab some Dragon Hide, put it around a properly spelled Snitch and bam! Instant shield. You don't even need to know a spell is coming to be defended against it and it will even block the AK. Once. So I guess I better carry a few dozen such Snitches in an expanded pocket or something, right?"

The gleam in Harry's eyes was now matched in Hermione's.


	4. Who Needs Occlumency?

Who Needs Occlumency

"Hey Hermione, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, Harry."

"You know the Fidelius Charm, right? It's supposed to hide a location so others can't find it."

"Actually, Harry, it can hide any kind of secret, not just locations."

"So, I was thinking... You know how people speak about their dreams as if they were actually there?"

Hermione got a gleam in her eye like a five year old who just got a brand new toy.

"You want to use the Fidelius to hide non-physical locations Harry? Yeah, I guess it should work. And Voldemort wouldn't be able to send you visions then, right?"

"Why stop at dreams Hermione? I want to hide my mind. From everybody." Harry said, his smile blinding.

* * *

><p>Potions Class with the Slytherins was never a happy affair, especially so when Harry missed the previous 'Remedial Potions' lesson with Snape. Still, he regretted nothing. He had his Fidelius in place and would test it on the next lesson. Snape was being more snippy then usual so maybe he should have notified him he wasn't coming or something... Nah.<p>

"Potter." a silky voice whispered. From behind him. How the hell had Snape gotten there?

As Harry turned to look at Snape he glimpsed a sneer on his face and sadistic determination in his eyes before...

He went slack.

"Um, Professor?" Harry asked. Snape was drooling.

"What did you do to him Potter?" Malfoy demanded. "Professor Snape? Godfather?" As Snape was standing there glassy eyed and unresponsive Malfoy's voice became more whiny.

"Maybe we should take him to Madam Pomfrey?" Hermione suggested.

* * *

><p>"I have never see the like Albus. His mind is like a hound, quivering with anticipation. Like it's waiting for something to happen. It's not a coma, I know that much." Madame Pomfrey was obviously distressed by the incident.<p>

"Have you found what caused this?" Albus asked calmly while his brain went into overdrive.

"No Albus, I haven't. It's certainly not a potion of any kind nor a charm. I asked Minerva and it's not some brand new mental Transfiguration either."

"Mental Transfiguration?" Albus asked, intrigued.

"Just about the only thing I could think was someone using Transfiguration to change him to a vegetative state. But there is no active magic. I just don't know. I gave him the Drought of Living Death because Dreamless Sleep Potions don't work and it's not healthy for his mind to be that focused and idle for long. We need to take him to St. Mungo's Albus." she said, no, ordered.

"But, Poppy..." Albus began.

* * *

><p>"Imperio." A voice whispered with malice.<p>

Harry continued down the deserted corridor, not even noticing the spell that hit his back.

"Imperio." whispered the same voice impatiently. Harry kept walking.

"Damn you Potter!" Malfoy's voice was heard, causing Harry to turn and look at the ponce.

"Oh, Malfoy, didn't see you there. What are you doing here?"

"Imperio!" Malfoy shouted. Harry did not even bother acknowledging the spell that him.

"You do know this is illegal right?" Harry asked with a smirk on his face. He was enjoying this!

"AARGH! Imperio! Imperio! Imperio!"

"Mister Malfoy." The arctic tone of Professor McGonagall caused Malfoy to whimper.

"Care to explain why you are casting Unforgivables at Mr Potter? While shouting like a madman, loud enough to be heard in my office one floor down?"

The look on Malfoy's face would fuel Harry's Patronus for decades.

* * *

><p>"Confundus."<p>

"Nope."

Hermione was going through all the mind-affecting spells they knew after the 'Malfoy Incident'. She made a list and was checking it twice. Harry meanwhile was enjoying life without headaches, nightmares, Malfoy and Snape. The smile on his face could only be removed surgically.

"Obliviate."

"Still here."

Plus, Voldemort was being very quiet lately. Malfoy senior was running around bribing everyone under the sun to keep his son out of prison but Madame Bones had a field day. She outright requested Veritaserum to find out how many people the little ponce had used Unforgivables on and for what purpose, all the while insinuating that she was worried about her niece. The whole Wizengamot was in an uproar over the possibility that their precious daughters were not safe. Even Dumbledore's name was blackened and the Board of Governors were seriously considering his removal. Tough luck.

"Well I don't know any other mind-affecting spells. Even the library doesn't have anything." Hermione was taking the lack of information as a personal insult it seemed.

"No worries. I should write to Fleur."

"Excuse me?" Hermione was thrown by the apparent non sequitur.

"I want to test this against Veela allure. Then I'm paying a visit to Azkaban to see the Demenors."

"Good idea." Hermione said, taking notes. "Tell me how it turns out."

OMAKE

A/N: I first came across the idea of 'Dementors are Goth Veela' in a fic whose name I forgot and now can't find. Anyway, it had twin Dementors taking a liking to Snape. Snape! Of course we can't have that.

"These are Dementors?" Harry deadpanned.

"What, the cold, fear, dark cloaks and bony hands not ringing any bells?" the guard snarked.

"They are naked Veela-hot twin Goths with bouncy breasts." Harry said while wiping the blood from his nose.

"You can see us?" the naked Veela-hot twin Goths with bouncy breasts shouted.

"Listen buddy, you wanted Dementors, I brought you Dementors. They even make that horrible sound, did you hear?"

The naked Veela-hot twin Goths with bouncy breasts squealed and pounced on Harry, grabbing a hand each and... rubbing it.

"Yeah." Harry Potter said with a grin almost splitting his face. "Horrible."

The guard looked at the two dementors rubbing themselves on the Boy-Who-Lived and quickly decided he didn't want to know.

"Come on, we'll introduce you to the others." the naked Veela-hot twin Goths with bouncy breasts said excitedly.

"Others?" Harry asked.

"Every Dementor is actually a Veela who couldn't transform. We still get most of the benefits but our allure goes haywire hence the cold and fear and so on." the naked Veela-hot twin Goths with bouncy breasts explained.

"And the Dementor's Kiss?"

"Sexual frustration. When we try to kiss someone they temporarily get the full benefit of our real aura of allure and their minds are affected deeply. They die, but they die happy. Don't worry, there's a prophecy about the man who can see the truth of our hearts. You are safe and what's more, you can cure us!" the naked Veela-hot twin Goths with bouncy breasts said while leading Harry to the central quarters for the Dementors of Azkaban. Over a hundred naked Veela-hot Goths with bouncy breasts turned to look at Harry with smoldering eyes. There were more twins and triplets then single girls, a part of Harry noticed. The rest of his attention was focused on the naked Veela-hot twin Goths with bouncy breasts that started rubbing... other parts of Harry.

"You are the Chosen One" all the naked Veela-hot Goths with bouncy breasts in the room chorused while stalking towards him.

"HELL YEAH!" The Chosen One said.


	5. Fog Machine

Fog Machine

Harry, Luna, Neville and Hermione were sitting in the last compartment of the Hogwarts Express, discussing their summer.

"I saw this documentary on the telly about a month ago on chemical weapons." Harry said, mostly speaking to Hermione while the other two finished their discussion on the Snorcack-attracting properties of various trees.

"The one on BBC right? I wanted to see that but my mom and I were out shopping."

"It made me think, you know? I mean poisons are well and good but here in the magical world there are far worse things. Imagine what a cloud of Erumpent Fluid would do."

"Or failed potions." Neville added, speaking from personal experience. "I must have invented over fifty explosive concoctions over the years plus all the other weird stuff I've made."

"Don't sweat it Neville mate. Most of that is because of Greasy Hair standing over you. Anyway, it's a good thing there are no gas bombs in the magical world, that's all I'm saying."

"Actually, turning a potion into a cloud is trivial." Luna entered the discussion. "The old charm for creating fog targets water but there are stories where it was used on wine and the resulting fog stung the eyes."

"Really, Luna? I never heard of that. Isn't the spell for fog a variant of the common Aguamenti Charm?" Hermione asked, eager for new knowledge.

"Well yeah. As I said, though, the old one was different."

"Hey Luna..." Harry said with a faraway look on his eyes. "I need you to teach me that spell."

"Sure Harry." Luna smiled.

* * *

><p>A peculiar meeting of minds was taking place in an abandoned classroom. Two of the participants were poring over notes composed by the female who was fretting like a student awaiting her grade. Meanwhile, another participant was setting up a mirror so everyone could see and hear it. The door opened and in walked the last two members of the group, a boy carrying books on exotic plants and dangerous animals while the girl carried a case of empty vials.<p>

"OK, Luna, go!" Harry ordered while walking away from the mirror and taking his place at the head of the table.

"I have the vials here. Charmed to keep everything in stasis, expanded on the inside and appearing empty unless the right password is given. I suggest Parseltongue." Luna answered, setting the case on the table. Harry turned to look at the twins and Hermione.

"Hermione's idea is great..."

"... but we'll need to decide the final list..."

"... of ingredients to work the correct mixing order..."

"... to avoid unintended side-effects."

"What of the protective suits?" Harry asked his godfather through the mirror.

"Enchanted scuba suits work wonders. Or we just use a whole-body Bubblehead Charm."

"Great. Now, final list of ingredients people. Neville, you got the reaction tables?"

"Yeah, Millie owed me a favor so she got them from the Slytherin Common Room."

"Excellent. We'll start with the Drought of Living Death. We can add Malaclaw Venom right?"

"No, but there is a plant of South American origin we can use instead of the Drought. Coma for a week and extreme abdominal cramps for a further three weeks. Only antidote causes explosive diarrhea, takes three days to work and is only available by the local shamans."

"That's great! How does it react to Dragon Blood?" Hermione asked.

"Let me check." Neville replied while reaching for a bookmarked page. "Should be fine if we stir clockwise."

"Dragon Blood is the main ingredient of the potion which will turn any other potion it is combined with into a salve. At smaller doses it will make our potion capable of penetrating skin. No need for the Death Eaters to breathe it and I doubt they will use anything more than a Bubblehead Charm, if that."

"I think we can throw in badly..."

"... made Skelegrow. It causes bones to..."

"... grow randomly, often changing direction...

"... length..."

"... and even becoming brittle. Also..."

"... there is a story about one batch that..."

"... made the bones grow spikes."

"Doesn't that require a counter-clockwise turn every third?" Hermione frowned.

"We did say badly made." they chorused and winked at her.

"How will all this react if we add in an acid?" Harry asked. "Because there is this great drug by the name of LSD..."

"Unfortunately, no acids. They react badly with the Dragon Blood, same reason we can't add Veritaserum. However, you might be interested to know that the 'magic mushrooms' have nothing on actual magic mushrooms." Hermione said gleefully.

"Neville, you're on that. Luna, any ideas?"

"Blood Replenishing Potion." the blonde immediately answered.

"How do you figure that?" Harry asked.

"And won't the Dragon Blood neutralize it Luna?" Hermione frowned once again.

"Blood Replenishing Potion is not combined with Dragon Blood because they bind and cause the victim's body to produce more Dragon Blood. So the Death Eaters will need a full blood transfusion, impossible in the magical world." Luna smirked.

"So they die or use muggle medicine? Brilliant Luna!" Harry smirked right back. "OK, everyone. Let's get this show started!"


	6. Morality and Shade

Morality and Shade

"I heard he uses the Unforgivables casually. He always, always kills people with the Killing Curse! And he can cast it like it's nothing!" Sirius told his friends, nodding his head to emphasize his point.

"Yeah. He is clearly Dark. Even Grindelwald didn't throw around that curse so easily." James added with authority.

"What are you idiots talking about now?" Lily demanded from behind them, causing the group to scatter.

"Gah, Lily. Don't do that!" James whined before getting a wicked smile on his face. "You don't have to stalk me you know. Just ask me out and I'll accept!"

Lily glared at him before turning to Remus. "What were you talking about?"

"The new Dark Lord. He throws around the Killing Curse like candy." Remus his fellow prefect.

"So obviously he is worse than Grindelwald." Sirius added.

"OK, I get that he is good at throwing around the AK. How does that make him worse than Grindelwald though?" Lily said puzzled.

"Well he is obviously very, very Dark to be able to do that." Peter explained.

"Oh. With Sirius in your group I didn't expect you four to believe that propaganda. About the Dark Arts I mean."

Four jaws hit the floor. "What?" James and Sirius shouted in unison.

"You're mental!" Sirius continued. "Propaganda? They're called the Dark Arts for a reason!"

"Damnit Lily, can't you see Snivelus..."

"Don't call him that!"

"... is corrupting you? You... you didn't study anything he gave you, did you? Oh, god. You did. I just know it. My future wife is Dark!" he wailed.

"As if I would ever date you! Much less marry you!"

"All of you shut up!" Remus ordered. Amazingly, this worked. "Lily, what where you saying about propaganda?"

Lily sighed. "OK, this is going to be a long discussion and I would appreciate it if you didn't interrupt."

"Don't worry. I'll make them behave." Remus promised while glaring at Sirius and James.

"OK, when I say propaganda I mean the belief that Dark is Evil and Light is Good."

"Well, they are." Sirius interrupted before getting hit by an Incarcerous, courtesy of Remus.

"I'll be good." he promised, not liking the look in his werewolf friend's eyes. It promised release of certain pictures that should never, ever see the light of day. Ever.

"Look, Sirius, would you say that the AK is Dark?"

"Of course!"

"And a Healing spell is Light?"

"Yes."

"OK, you're fighting an Acromantula to save two babies. None of your normal curses work. You can save one baby and Apparate to safety or you can use the AK to kill the spider."

"That's still Dark!" Sirius insisted.

"Yes, but it is a good act. You took a life but you saved two. Conversely, the Death Eaters use Healing magic at prisoners to prolong the torture. That is a Light, but Evil, act."

"Well, I guess." Sirius said, still sounding unconvinced. "And besides, I couldn't cast the Killing Curse. I don't have that kind of hatred in me."

"The Killing Curse doesn't require hatred Sirius."

"Yes, it does!"

"Who's the Charms prodigy here? The reason most people can't cast the curse is that humans, like most creatures, have a reflex to not kill others of their kind. Now, the easiest way to bypass the reflex is to not think about what you are doing. That is why it is easier to shoot a man in combat than in cold blood. When you're pumped full of adrenaline and have to react _now_ you don't have time to think. With me so far?"

"Sure." "Yeah." "Yes." "I could hear you talk all day."

"The AK takes time to cast and that usually gives people a chance to ponder their actions. So the spell fails because they realize they don't **really **want to kill their target. A good way to stop yourself from thinking even then is intense emotions like rage or hate."

"Aha!"

"It's still just a solution to a problem Sirius, not the cause." Lily instructed while Sirius slumped in defeat. Logic, his great weakness.

"The best way to bypass the reflex is the one most Death Eaters and many purebloods employ: Delusion. They don't think of non-magical people as humans. They consider muggles and Squibs some sort of animal or object or something. So the 'don't kill humans' reflex doesn't come into play."

"Very interesting discussion Lily but to get back to the original point, that doesn't really explain why you said the Dark Arts aren't evil." Remus said.

"Some of them are. Actually, the way I see it, there are three broad categories of Dark Arts: The actual Evil ones, the easily abused ones and the plain misunderstood. And they are each exemplified by one of the Unforgivables."

She looked at the disbelieving faces around her.

"Some Dark Arts are downright Evil with a capital E. Take the Cruciatus for example. It cannot be used for anything other than causing pain."

"And not even the good kind your girlfriend likes." Sirius said while waggling his eyebrows. Remus silenced him.

"The second kind is the easily abused ones like the Imperius. Yes, you can use it to force people to do horrible things. You can also use it on an addict to help cure him. Or on any other number of things."

The four Marauders looked at her with skepticism.

"Well... Imagine that the three Gryffindor Chasers agreed to be put under the Imperius and were ordered to be perfectly focused on the game and winning. Bam, instant perfect coordination."

She smiled smugly as the four faces gave her rapturous smiles.

"The Ministry should restrict the spell and require of licensed casters an Unbreakable Vow to not abuse it or something. But it can be done and simply banning it doesn't really stop the abuse."

The Marauders eagerly nodded while planning how to get their House team under the Impirius pronto.

"And finally we have the misunderstood category, exemplified by the Killing Curse."

"Misunderstood?" Peter asked with raised eyebrows.

"I just explained it doesn't require an evil bastard to cast it and against any number of creatures like trolls it is a perfect way to bypass their resistance to magic. And really, wouldn't you rather die painlessly and cleanly? The AK is like flipping a switch, you are alive and then you are dead. A cutting curse to the neck will make you bleed to death in agony. It takes almost two minutes before the brain succumbs to asphyxiation. No, what is required is an Ethics class so that people don't _want_ to kill others. If someone decides to do you in there are far worse ways to do it."

"If I have to die" James begun with a growing smile "it should be in bed with a sixteen year old redhead while she..."

The discussion was dropped while Remus and Peter tried to stop Lily from castrating James on the spot.


	7. The Boy Who Changed

Another Day, Another Mirror

_Those luscious curves..._

It was all going according to plan, Dumbledore thought. Harry had found the Mirror of Erised and even now he was spending his free time gazing at it's depths.

_Those pouty lips..._

Soon, tonight in fact, Dumbledore would 'accidentally' find Harry and hint at the Mirror's functions, providing another clue to the riddle of the Philosopher's Stone.

_Her every movement was feminine grace..._

Dumbledore decided to start his walk towards the Mirror and Harry. He needed to wait for the patrolling prefects and divert them before the meeting.

_Every gesture was the essence of womanhood..._

As Dumbledore arrived at the Mirror's room he mentally prepared himself, not so much for the talk with Harry as for avoiding looking at the Mirror. The thing was useful but so very, very distracting.

_She was a dream made into reality. Her name was..._

"Harry, my boy!" Dumbledore greeted and was rewarded with a yelp. Strange. Harry seemed embarrassed. Surely he wasn't so deeply under Dumbledore's thumb that this minor display of individuality would cause him distress.

"Er, sir? What are you doing here?" Harry asked nervously.

"As a matter of fact Harry I am here to remove this Mirror. It is needed elsewhere. You have gazed upon it's visions, did you not?" Dumbledore damn well knew how much time Harry spent in here down to the second.

"Yes. Yes I did. Um, sir, is it true? What the mirror showed?" Harry seemed hopeful but also like he was dreading the answer. Strange. Dumbledore didn't like strange things. They were too often unexpected complications marring his perfect plans. Perhaps it was time to lay it a bit thick.

"Read the message on the Mirror Harry. It shows your heart's desire, the one thing you most desperately want."

"Oh." Harry said in a small voice. "I thought, perhaps..." He raised his head and squared his shoulders. "Well, if that's how it's going to be, fine. I'll start right after I finish Hogwarts I guess. Thank you Professor, you really helped me here." Dumbledore didn't like Harry's smile. The boy was supposed to desire family and acceptance. Whatever he saw in that damn Mirror was interfering with his plans!

"Start what Harry?" he said gently.

"The hormone treatments sir. I figure I have enough money in my vault to pay for it and I'll get a job of course so it should be OK. My doctor wants me to wait but I'll be an adult then and it really is what I want most. The Mirror just proved that."

"What hormone treatments?" Dumbledore hated not having any idea what people were talking about. And this was Harry! He should have known him better than anyone! What the hell was going on?

"For the sex change operation of course! I'm going to be a girl!"

"What?"

"You know, sex change operations? Transsexuals? Anything?"

"You... Harry Potter... The Boy Who Lived... will be a girl?"

"I'll start after finishing Hogwarts. It should take a year or so. Oh, I should tell Hermione! I know she'll be happy for me. And I need to find some way to break it to Ron."

"You can't! Magic! Prophecy! I mean, Harry Potter, I mean..."

"Magic? Wait, there's a magic way of changing sex? Wow, Professor, thanks for the tip! I'll ask Madam Pomfrey about it tomorrow!"

Dumbledore stood, aghast, as all his plans collapsed around him because a little boy dreamed of being a Princess rather than a Prince. This was SO not according to plan!

A/N: I've read my fair share of Girl Who Lived and Harry Turns Into A Girl stories but I never came across a boy Harry who actually wanted to become a girl. So I wrote my own.

OMAKE

"And that, dear brother, is how you prank the Headmaster."

"Indeed dear sibling. Perhaps we should inform our former sources of inspiration and all around role models?"

"Positively. Bring out the Map."

Marauders collectively bow.

"We are not worthy!"


	8. In The Name Of The Moon

Hermione the Magical Girl

"Well, Hermione, you love studying and you want to share that with others. And that's a good thing! But most people don't find studying fun, they find it tedious. So what you really want to do is get them to see it as a game. Change the presentation without altering the content and you can do wonders as one of my teachers used to say. Watch this."

Harry took a standard martial arts stance, waving his hands and displaying his (nonexistent) muscles. Dean Thomas saw this and looked to have an idea of what was going on so Harry suddenly changed his stance, palmed his wand and with a mighty 'HA!' lunched a Lumos straight into Dean's eyes.

The young boy closed his eyes until the bright light ended and then closed his book. Getting up from his seat, he started berating Harry.

"The hell was that Potter? You call that an Energy Blast? My three year old cousin could do it better! Move and let me show you how it's done!"

Taking yet another weird martial arts stance, he proceeded to bring his hands together and slowly and clearly shouted:

"KA. ME. HA. ME. Lumos!"

"Really, Dean? Really? Kamehame Lumos? The Turtle Destruction Light Spell?"

"Shut up! At least it was better than whatever you were supposed to be doing!"

"Oi! You'll respect my Ryu impression or we'll have words!"

"THAT was Ryu? Are you kidding? That was not even that girl running around Ryu. You suck!"

"Take that back!"

Hermione realized three things. First, Harry had cast his spell _without the incantation_! Second, Dean's spell was much more powerful than it was in the classroom. Clearly, this 'have fun while studying' thing worked. And third, Harry had just given her a chance to step up and be a part of things. Clearly there was only one thing to do.

Hermione leaped upon the table drew her wand and took her own stance before proclaiming:

"Hold it right there! The Common Room is for students to be themselves and do their homework in peace! To disrupt people with your petty arguing is unforgivable! In the name of the Moon, I'll punish you!"


	9. Paternity Case

Paternity Case

**'You are Harry James Potter, of number four, Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey?' Fudge said, glaring at Harry over the top of his parchment.**

"Possibly." Was the answer he got. The Wizengamot members _stared_.

"What do you mean possibly?" the Minister exploded.

"Well, sir, everyone knows that Voldemort" Mass shudder "attacked the Potter house in Godric's Hollow on Halloween 1981, right? That same night Harry Potter was taken and _one day later_ I was given to my so called relatives. Incidentally, I neither look nor act anything like my supposed relatives. So what happened in the interval? I **think** I am Harry Potter but it's not like the Goblins can take a drop of your blood and know your entire family tree, right?"

"Of course not! Blood magic like that is illegal!" Fudge answered.

"There you have it then. Now, everyone's telling me I look exactly like James Potter except for my eyes. And that's kind of suspicious when you think about it. No child looks _exactly_ like one of their parents and apparently I've looked like he would have looked at the same age for years now. Look me in the eye and tell me that's not suspicious."

"Well..." the Minister tried to interrupt.

"I know, right? I mean, how do I know I'm really Harry Potter? The scar? I bet anyone can take a knife to their forehead but what does that prove? All I know is that people keep telling me I'm this mythical hero and I know I'm not. I'm just a kid with good friends and a lot of luck. People tell me I'm Harry Potter but I don't see it."

"Er..." Fudge failed to say.

"And everyone's avoiding the bloody topic! Hagrid gave me an album with pictures and that's all I know about them! Try getting anyone to tell you what they were like or how they behaved! It's all 'They loved each other' and 'Your dad played pranks' and 'Your mom was brilliant'. Well I am neither a prankster nor brilliant so how do I connect with them, huh?"

"You may go." Amelia Bones told him.

"What about the Underage Magic thing?" Harry asked. And he had just got going too.

"You just proved there is reasonable doubt concerning your identity and even age. We'll have to prove you are Harry Potter, Underage Wizard before this hearing can proceed. You have caused me a mountain of paperwork boy." the old witch finished sourly.

"Sorry?"

A/N: We know Harry is the real Harry Potter because Dumbledore told us! The Master Manipulator. The Twinkling Tyrant. The man you can't trust to tell you if it's night or day when you're sunbathing. Riiight.


	10. Werewolves

**A cloud shifted. There were suddenly dim shadows on the ground. Their party was bathed in moonlight.**

**Snape collided with Lupin, Pettigrew, and Ron, who had stopped abruptly. Black froze. He flung out one arm to make Harry and Hermione stop.**

**Harry could see Lupin's silhouette. He had gone rigid. Then his limbs began to shake.**

**"Oh, my -" Hermione gasped. "He didn't take his potion tonight! He's not safe!"**

"Wingardium Leviosa!" Harry intoned and with a swish and flick the transforming Professor was levitated two meters off the ground.

"Harry, what are you doing?" Hermione shrieked. "We have to run!"

"He's a werewolf Hermione. What's he gonna do if he can't touch the ground? Slobber us to death? At most we'll get a headache from the howling and snarls." Harry calmly replied. Then he turned to Sirius.

"So about leaving the Dursleys..."

A/N: I really don't see what the big deal about Werewolves is. Sure they are dangerous if they can catch you but it's not like they can do anything other than charge you on land. So the solution is to deprive them of walking. Transfigure the ground to mud, dig a pit, throw caltrops, animate some chains. There are so many ways to render a werewolf harmless.

You could even, you know, apply some really strong sunblock like a skin-tight layer of Peruvian Darkness Powder. Or give them the Draught of Living Death before the moon rises and the antidote after it's down.

Speaking of potions, what happens to a werewolf who is given Polyjuice? Or simply transfigured into an animal?

So many ways to deal with a problem and wizards go with 'let's marginalize them to the point of oppression without actually solving anything!' Morons.

A/N 2: The bold part is a direct quote from Harry Potter and the Great Escape. I mean, Prisoner of Azkaban.


	11. Not An Elephant

Soon after he unveiled his 'Potter Stinks' badges, Draco Malfoy walked up to his archnemesis (in his mind only), Harry Potter. Before he could say anything however the raven-haired wizard asked:

"Hey, Malfoy, do you have a sexually transmitted disease?"

"What? NO!"

"Cool." Harry said as he stood up and shouted. "Excuse me! May I have your attention please!"

The crows quickly turned to look at him. Say what you want about the Boy Who Lived, he was entertaining.

"I would like to inform you all that, despite any rumors to the contrary you may have heard, Mr. Malfoy here does not have a sexually transmitted disease."

"Shut up scarhead!"

"Nope. He just walked up to me and told me he is completely clean. So ignore all those rumors that say otherwise."

"Stop lying damnit!" Draco's shrill voice sounded from behind Harry.

"Wait, you mean you actually have a sexually transmitted disease?"

"NO!"

"But you just said I was lying when I said you didn't! Not that I really care or anything. Wait, maybe you weren't talking to me?" Harry looked to Hermione on his left and Colin Creavy on his right.

"Of course I was talking to you!"

"I can't say I either wanted or needed to hear that you don't have a sexually transmitted disease. Besides, are you sure?"

"What is that supposed to mean?!"

"Madam Pomfrey, did you actually check Draco recently?"

With the entire Great Hall staring at her the old Mediwitch was rather flustered.

"Er, um, not as such, no."

"Well then." Harry continued blithely. "You can't go around announcing you're clean on your own Draco. Everyone, Draco Malfoy may have asexually transmitted disease!"

"Damn you Potter! Wait till my father hears about this!"

* * *

><p>That same night Harry was approached by Rita Skeeter, a woman on a mission to get an exclusive... or fake one.<p>

"Rita!" Harry greeted her jovially. "Did you hear that Draco Malfoy may have a sexually transmitted disease?"

Rita Skeeter blinked at both the unexpected welcome and the announcement.

"Not really. Why don't you tell me about it?" she said while pulling out her Quill.

"Well, it all started when Draco approached me on the Great Hall and..."

* * *

><p>Draco Malfoy Clean, Officials Say<p>

Rumors abound at Hogwarts about the young scion of House Malfoy who may or may not have had a sexually transmitted disease in the recent past. This reporter was assured he is now healthy by Madam Pomfrey but no comment was forthcoming about Mr Malfoy's recent medical history and any treatment he may have undertaken to produce this clean bill of health...

A/N: Public opinion, like gravity, is a harsh mistress.

The title comes from a Hellenic saying: "Like trying to prove you are not an Elephant". In other words if people start saying things about you it's very hard to make them stop and the more you deny a rumor the more people become convinced it's true. No matter how absurd it is.


	12. A Gift from Harry

A Gift from Harry

"Say, Dobby?"

"Yes, Harry Potter Sir?"

"This popping thing you do, can you take a wizard with you?"

"Yes, Harry Potter Sir."

"Even if they are unwilling?"

"Yes, Harry Potter Sir."

"I think I'll have a job for you soon Dobby."

* * *

><p>"Hey Sirius, when's the next Wizengamot session?"<p>

"Next Friday Harry. Why, you thinking of attending?"

"Actually, I was thinking of a prank. You wouldn't happen to know how to brew the Draught of Living Death, would you?"

"I know a guy who knows a guy. How much do you need?"

* * *

><p>"Dobby, Operation Surprise Gift is a go."<p>

The soft pop could not be heard in the middle of the Wizengamot but the results were clearly seen by all. The Dark Lord appeared in the middle of the room.

Naked.

With a needle sticking out of his bum.

Harry relaxed in his Guest Seat and enjoyed the pandemonium.

**A/N: **Wrote this in about five minutes but the idea's been with me for weeks. Harry orders Dobby to drug Voldie and House Elf Pop him into the middle of the Wizengamot. A prank worthy of the Marauders I'd say.


End file.
